Peppy passed away last night...

When i got home y'day afternoon, he still seemed ok...But by evening, he had begun crying and whining in pain...There was even a time when he started gasping for air and had a fit...That was when i knew it was time for him to go...Needless to say, it was all extremely painful to watch and i was pissed with my mum who wanted to wait till the next day so that he mite haf a chance to pass on naturally and because the fee would have been $100 cheaper...

The very frustrating thing was that she had not been around to hear him crying and whining and so did not really know the severity of the state that Peppy was in...I, on the other hand, was there the whole time...Had tried to convince her to change her mind but she just told me to leave him alone...Maybe i din make myself clear or din sound decisive enough (as she put it)...But there are some things in life where the signs and signals are clear enough and do not need any spelling out...

Long story short, by the time we all agreed to send him, it was about 9pm...So we had to bring Pep to the 24h clinic at Whitley road...By then, Peppy had foamed at the mouth, shitted in his blankie and was too weak to lift his head...I cradled him in my arms as my mum drove all the way down to the place...Then, i was more relieved than sad because i knew that his suffering and pain would be coming to an end soon...The misery of seeing a loved one suffer is indescribable and inexplicable...When we finally arrived at Jame's veterinarian, Peppy was half-dead...They placed him on a metal table and injected him with some sedatives to make him groggy...I have a strange feeling that "putting him to sleep" isn't at all the painless "die-in-your-sleep" ideal that most of us have...After that, the vet told us to wait outside while he injected Pep with the "poison"...When i next saw him again, he was lying motionless on the metal table with his eyes half open...I guess that's why i dun think he died "in his sleep" as he was supposed to...But i guess at least, it was a faster death than a natural one...

I din cry at all then...Like i said, i was more relieved than sad...But it was when i was about to sleep and all the thoughts and memories of him came flooding back that i started to cry...again...My parents told me not to let my emotions get the better of me but the truth is i don't think i do...And anyway, what's wrong with grieving? Besides, it's not like i've stopped eating or gg to work or am losing sleep...I dun know what they meant by that comment at all...And i'm sure they weep secretly when no one's around too...

For the most part, i'm ok when i'm working and not at home...I've been blessed with an excellent class that makes me laugh and feel good about myself...But it's really those times when i'm at home that i'm beginning to dread...Just looking at the spot where he used to sleep stirs up an inconsolable sadness in me...I've turned photo frames bearing his photos face down so i won't be reminded of him...But its the time before i sleep that is the worst...I start remembering his scruffy little face with big black eyes, his cute little black padded paws, him headbutting my thighs as i sayang him, him climbing all the way to the 3rd floor to look for me, him sniffing at my door to wake me up for breakfast, his nice unique smell etc. and the tears just keep coming...

I hope i get over his death quickly...I thot i would be ok and that his death would spell the end...But i guess i'm not that strong after all...This one's gonna bruise...

I will see you again someday baby...

Peppy 2

Today, i came home very ready to send Peppy to the vet to put him to sleep...I kinda hit saturation point emotionally and was honestly quite ready to move on...This was further fuelled by the knowledge that he had not eaten nor drank anything for about 2 whole days now...And as i was telling Charmaine (EL), i drew some comfort from the fact that Peppy kinda has dementia and can't seem to recognize any of us anymore...

Then, just as we were lifting him up to go, he started whining loudly and struggling violently to break free...Things which he had not done in a long while now...My mum then put him down and he immediately peed...I was and am convinced that he knew what was happening and was afraid...We got in the car with me cradling Peppy in my arms while he continued to struggle and cry...As i stroked him and tried to comfort him i really questioned if today was the day that he was meant to go...In fact i was quite sure it wasnt and began suggesting that maybe it would be a better idea to just let him be for a little while longer...I din want to take him b4 his time but my parents were adamant that we bring him tonite cos they din want him to suffer and like me, were eager to move on...

So herein lies the dilemma...Leave him and let him pass on naturally or put him out before things get even worse...At first i was quite certain about the latter option, but having gone through what i just did, i'm now even more sure that the former is better...It's a life we're talking about here, even if it's just a dog's. Furthermore, to us, he's family...Hence, the matter shouldn't be simply treated as a problem that should be resolved asap...

In the end, as we were reaching the clinic, i prayed for a miracle...And guess what? My mum went in and came out saying that the nurse had told her to return another day cos it was too crowded...I was dam happy to say the least...Peppy didnt want to go and God din want to take him yet too!

I guess at this point, i've pretty much accepted e fact that he would have to go someday and that that day is probably very soon but i've decided that i will NOT put him to sleep till it becomes very clear that he is ready...Even if it means feeling down for however long it takes...I will not be so selfish...It is after all, his life not mine...

Peppy

As some of you already know, Peppy my pet dog and best fren of 17 years is very ill. His kidneys are failing (or have already failed) him and this is causing toxic built-ups of creatin (by-product of protein) and other by-products. Needless to say, i am absolutely heart-broken...It's very difficult watching a loved one suffer and degenerate and it pains me to see him in pain...It realli doesn't look good this time...When we got him back from the hospital on Monday, the vet said it would be downhill all the way and that it would only be a matter of days before we would have to bring him back to put him to sleep...I cried for a good 2 hours after that...

It's Sat. now and he's still alive though not in good condition...He hardly eats anything and drinks very little...There's a little part of me that's still secretly hoping for a miracle though everyone's telling me that the end is near...But i need this bit of hope to carry on...I knew it would happen someday but i realli din expect it to be so soon...I knew he was deteriorating fast even b4 we brot him to the vet but i thot he'd still have at least a couple of months left in him...I realli wish he would stay a while longer...

On another note, I know i'm supposed to organize the EL gathering, go on a hol with Char and gang, and mit up with other frens like ZQ, Army buds etc. but i am currently in no mood to so, sorry guys...

Singapore Flyer

Char's Birthday

After returning from the church camp, my family celebrated Char's birthday...We went for a monkey-theme cos my sis likes monkeys...Bot her a stuffed toy monkey that reminded me of Curious George while my mum got her a card with a chimp on it...

In the afternoon, we went to Vivo to watch Get Smart...It was quite funny and entertaining despite its poor reviews and we all had a good laugh...Went to Marche for din after that..I forced Char to wear a bib...It was really quite cute...In fact, i wore the bib longer than she did after she had her photo taken...I m such a sport! Christine flatly refused to wear it though she was the messiest eater at the table...spilling her pasta everywhere...I had to wipe her mouth with the bib after dinner...

Church Camp!

Hafnt been blogging in a while so will need to back track a bit...Came back from my church camp about 2 weeks ago...It was absolutely great...Firstly cos i got to bond with my cell mates (especially James...heh heh heh...) and secondly cos i felt like i got a kind of spiritual awakening that i needed badly...God realli worked wonders through our camp speaker Michael Ross Watson and i felt like he touched on nearly every issue that i've been struggling with such as immaturity, deliberate sinning, disobedience etc...On the second nite i went up to be prayed for and before i could even utter anything i was in tears...Not reali sure why...And before i knew it i was sobbing like a baby...After that i felt this incredible peace that i've never felt before (more than just a "cry-finish-so-very-contented" feeling) and an assurance that everything would be alright...I guess only time will tell if it was a real spiritual connection or not but i'm pretty sure it was...

Anyways here are some more photos:

Above: Mitch (in red) and Vi sleepin on the bus...The bus ride was supa long...About 8 hours...

Above: Photos to show just how tall i am hahaha...Mitch holding a "short" bottle

Below: My affair with James mwahahahaha...Too bad Jeremy couldnt join us to form a threesome...

All in all it was a realli good camp even though the hotel food sucked and i fell sick from all the cheering at the telematch on the 2nd day...Definitely look foward to the next one...