Peppy passed away last night...

When i got home y'day afternoon, he still seemed ok...But by evening, he had begun crying and whining in pain...There was even a time when he started gasping for air and had a fit...That was when i knew it was time for him to go...Needless to say, it was all extremely painful to watch and i was pissed with my mum who wanted to wait till the next day so that he mite haf a chance to pass on naturally and because the fee would have been $100 cheaper...

The very frustrating thing was that she had not been around to hear him crying and whining and so did not really know the severity of the state that Peppy was in...I, on the other hand, was there the whole time...Had tried to convince her to change her mind but she just told me to leave him alone...Maybe i din make myself clear or din sound decisive enough (as she put it)...But there are some things in life where the signs and signals are clear enough and do not need any spelling out...

Long story short, by the time we all agreed to send him, it was about 9pm...So we had to bring Pep to the 24h clinic at Whitley road...By then, Peppy had foamed at the mouth, shitted in his blankie and was too weak to lift his head...I cradled him in my arms as my mum drove all the way down to the place...Then, i was more relieved than sad because i knew that his suffering and pain would be coming to an end soon...The misery of seeing a loved one suffer is indescribable and inexplicable...When we finally arrived at Jame's veterinarian, Peppy was half-dead...They placed him on a metal table and injected him with some sedatives to make him groggy...I have a strange feeling that "putting him to sleep" isn't at all the painless "die-in-your-sleep" ideal that most of us have...After that, the vet told us to wait outside while he injected Pep with the "poison"...When i next saw him again, he was lying motionless on the metal table with his eyes half open...I guess that's why i dun think he died "in his sleep" as he was supposed to...But i guess at least, it was a faster death than a natural one...

I din cry at all then...Like i said, i was more relieved than sad...But it was when i was about to sleep and all the thoughts and memories of him came flooding back that i started to cry...again...My parents told me not to let my emotions get the better of me but the truth is i don't think i do...And anyway, what's wrong with grieving? Besides, it's not like i've stopped eating or gg to work or am losing sleep...I dun know what they meant by that comment at all...And i'm sure they weep secretly when no one's around too...

For the most part, i'm ok when i'm working and not at home...I've been blessed with an excellent class that makes me laugh and feel good about myself...But it's really those times when i'm at home that i'm beginning to dread...Just looking at the spot where he used to sleep stirs up an inconsolable sadness in me...I've turned photo frames bearing his photos face down so i won't be reminded of him...But its the time before i sleep that is the worst...I start remembering his scruffy little face with big black eyes, his cute little black padded paws, him headbutting my thighs as i sayang him, him climbing all the way to the 3rd floor to look for me, him sniffing at my door to wake me up for breakfast, his nice unique smell etc. and the tears just keep coming...

I hope i get over his death quickly...I thot i would be ok and that his death would spell the end...But i guess i'm not that strong after all...This one's gonna bruise...

I will see you again someday baby...